THINGS THAT MAKE ME LAUGH OR WONDER WHAT THEY WERE THINKING
VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”
“Aye, did ye now, said Mary. And what was your toast?”
“Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife,” said John
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
“Aye, he told me, she said, and I was a bit surprised me self. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years.
“Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep”.
Father O’Callaghan was sitting in the confessional waiting for the next parishioner when in walks Sean O’Malley
“Bless me father for I have sinned,” he says.
“And what are your sins, my son?” asked the priest.
“I had sex with Nookie Green this week, father,” the man replied.
“You know it’s wrong to have sex out of wedlock my son, says the priest. Go say 10 Hail Mary’s and sin no more.”
Soon another parishioner enter the confessional. Turns out he too has sex with Nookie Green but this time three times in one week.
By the time the confessional session was over five men had come in confessing to having sex with Nookie Green. Needless to say Father O’Callaghan was a little disturbed but also curious about this.
That Sunday the good priest was up at the alter saying Mass to a packed congregation when suddenly the church doors flew open and with the sun behind her in walks this stunning women all dressed in green – green hat; green dress; green handbag; green shoes. Father O’Callaghan shades his eyes trying to get a good look. The women walks up the church isle and sits in the front pew with her legs slightly apart. The priest then leans down to the alter boy and asks, “is that Nookie Green?” The alter boy replies “No father I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”
A man is walking home alone late one dark and foggy night when behind him he hears: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an casket banging its way down the middle of the street: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…
The casket’s lid pops open: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… CLACK… CLACK… CLACK…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… CLACK… CLACK… CLACK…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
As he runs upstairs the casket crashes through the front door, with the lid of the casket still clapping: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… CLACK… CLACK… CLACK…
He runs into the bathroom, slams the door and locks it: His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… CLACK… CLACK… CLACK…
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…
The coffin stops
Never squat while wearing your spurs.
Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There are two theories to arguing with a woman – neither works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Always drink upstream from the heard.
If you find yourself in a hole – stop digging.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
There are three kinds of men:
Ones that learn by reading –
The few who learn by observing –
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
If you’re riding ahead of the heard, take a look back now and then to make sure it’s still there.
Lettin’ the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started to roar. He kept at it until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you’re full of bull keep your mouth shut.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try and turn back their odometer – not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the road weren’t paved.
When you are dissatisfied and want to go back to youth – think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it’s such a nice change from being young.
One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks it was called witchcraft – today it’s called golf.
If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you’re old.
It was so cold in Washington the other day I actually saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets. Will Rogers
A female cop pulls over a drunk
She gets him out of the car and reads him his rights
“you have the right to remain silent
Anything you say can and will be held against you”
So the drunk says “tits.”
Your Daily Moment of Zen
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
5. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass … then things get worse .
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed
FAMOUS NURSRY RHYMES
JACK AND JILL went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB her father shot it dead Now it goes to school with her between two hunks of bread.
LITTLE MISS MUFFET sat on a tuffet, her clothing all tattered and torn. It wasn’t a spider that crept up beside her But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pieman Going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the Pieman “What have you got there?” Said the Pieman unto Simon “Pies, you dumbass!”
THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL, who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead. And when she was good, she was very, very good But when she was bad, She got a fur coat, jewels, a sports car……….
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the King’s horses and all the King’s men had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE, the cat did a piddle all over the bedside clock, the little dog laughed to see such fun when it died of electric shock
GEORGIE PORGEY Pudding and Pie kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play he kissed them too cause he was gay.
“We were so poor when I was a kid it was a good thing I was born a boy otherwise I would have had nothing tho play with!” Rodney Dangerfield
Andy Rooney On Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I’ll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the generator.
Andy Rooney On Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren’t distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels…I write, “Could you throw this away for me? Thank You.”
Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) ‘Married’ (walk off). That’s how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it’s hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, ‘How can he want me the way I look in the morning?’ It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there’s always like 18% that say “I don’t know.” It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they’re voting “I don’t know.” “Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone.”(Says Into Phone) “I DON’T KNOW!” (Hangs up looking proud.)
“Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you’re not sure about.” This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say “I’m not in the mood”.
Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen.’ You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone’s answering machine? “Hi, it’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is ‘share the love.’ Beep.” “Uh, yeah…this is the VD clinic calling…. Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.
A man went to his high school reunion and saw a gal that he thought he remembered. He said to her “you look like Helen Green.” She replied, “and you look like crap in brown!”